MY FELLOW AMERICANS,

In the wake of last night’s “debate,” if that’s what we’re calling it, I would like to find some shared ground as Americans, as human beings, as children of parents, as parents of children and as possessors of common sense.

We hold these truths to be self-evident:

1) NOBODY WANTS TO KNOW THE LENGTH OF THE CANDIDATES’ WILLIES. Nobody even wants to think about knowing the lengths of the candidates’ willies. The fear of potentially knowing this information makes many of us violently physically ill, and this violent physical illness does NOT put us in the mood to vote. It does the opposite. I am serious about this. NOBODY. WANTS. TO KNOW.

2) SHOUTING OVER EACH OTHER DOESN’T HELP US UNDERSTAND WHAT ANYONE’S SAYING. Instead it makes everyone unintelligible! It’s true! You want Americans to actually comprehend some point you’re trying to make? Well, then, you need to pipe down and take turns, people. Otherwise, what’s the point of a debate? Why not just stand there and spit? Hurl bowling balls at each other? Set each other’s hair on fire? (No. No. Don’t.)

3) NAME-CALLING IS CHILDISH. It also does absolutely nothing to advance any form of dialogue. And we are still, at this point, pretending that dialogue is the aim, unless we all secretly long to see the field of presidential aspirants scream NYAH-NYAH, then stick out their tongues and go pppllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. But at this point, maybe Bronx cheers would be an improvement.

4) NICENESS MATTERS. Didn’t our mamas and daddies raise us to say “please” and “thank you”? To not interrupt when someone else is talking? To be decent to other people? To not pick our noses in public and then wipe the goober on somebody else’s sleeve? Because we are almost at the goober-wiping stage of this election cycle, my friends. You know it’s true. It’s why you dread reading the news each morning. (As for whether one of the candidates consumed a booger off his lip last night, I’m not entering that fray. To me it looked like alpaca sweater fuzz.)

5) Returning to the matter of childishness, WE NEED THE CANDIDATES TO BEHAVE LIKE ADULTS. Why? Well, I’m glad you asked: BECAUSE WE NEED OUR CHIEF EXECUTIVE TO BE A GROWN-UP. Or at least, you know, a fairly mature 15-year-old. (Elect my son! He’d be great!) This is why the founders set the minimum age for the job at 35, not, say, 2, at which age President Thunder Pants might need occasional help with the potty.

I’m not even talking about The Hand On The Button and all that hairy-scary nuclear-apocalypse stuff. I’m just talking about having someone in office who won’t shove the other kids in the sandbox. No hair-pulling. No toy-grabbing. Take your turn at the swings.

What do you think? Can we all agree to these truths? There are only five of them, and they’re obvious enough. Or they should be.